Opening up about my weaknesses...
Glory to Jesus Christ!
Thank you for reading. Just a heads up, this blog post is a little depressing... haha.
Ever feel like the world is doing everything it can do to work against your happiness? Ever feel like the things you want most are the things often left on the back-burner?
This is how I've felt nearly everyday for the past few years. Some would argue I'm depressed or something like that. For me, the issue is much deeper. I'm not depressed in the superficial sense. And I don't mean to be overly specific, but I don't like the word depressed. My sadness comes from something that this tangible world cannot fix. My sadness comes from my lack of doing what I should do and being who I should be.
College hasn't been easy for me. I never wanted to go to school in the first place. Since the beginning I never felt like I fit in to the college world. It has nothing to do with the academics or the ridiculous financial debt I'd end up in. For me, college has been a spear in my side.
Often I'd find myself sitting in the darkness of my bedroom with a candle lit in my prayer corner. And all I'd do is sit there feeling like I shouldn't be where I am. For a long time, I abandoned prayer, fasting and going to church. And it hardly made things better... but didn't necessarily make things worse. Often I'd find myself being overly lazy and wasting time on things I shouldn't be. I got caught up in a lifestyle of laziness.
I never was, and never will be a party boy. I never got into drinking or smoking or partying. I never went out and still have no interest. I'm very content being alone by myself and watching tv, surfing the web or playing/listening to music. I also developed a love for cooking.
The longer college went on, the more I despised it. Sure, I see the good in college for people who want to be doctors and such. But for the average person, I simply do not see the benefit. I've heard the statistics that people with degrees make 10-20% more/ year compared to someone who doesn't. Then again, that college degree can mean over $100,000 worth of debt... debt which can take up to 30 years to pay off... obviously not in all cases. My point is, they make that 10-20% more, but it's probably to compensate for their debt. I could be wrong.
Last year I was very lazy in school and did the bare minimum to get by. But I started sinking my teeth into some Orthodox ways of living. And it wasn't easy. The more I tried to live as a better Christian, the harder it was. I'm convinced I was and still am undergoing spiritual warfare. And I'm struggling with every ounce of energy to maintain/keep my cool.
It's not something that's easy to talk about because friends and family are skeptical. If I could, I'd go live at a monastery for 6 months. I'd make pilgrimage to holy sites. I'd go to seminary. Id' do all these things in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, my desire to go to seminary so soon is unwelcome by many people. And they all say the same things:::
"You're not mature enough."
"You're too cold."
"You're too young."
"You're too selfish."
Etc. etc. etc.
I don't mind hearing these things. But that's exactly the reason I want to go live at a monastery and go to seminary. I want to go to these places because I suffer from a sickness of some-sort. If I was perfect, I wouldn't attend church. If I was perfect, I wouldn't want to go to a monastery or seminary. Orthodox Christianity, the church in general was not created for perfect people. The intention of the church is to heal imperfect people. And I'm one of them. And for the record, going to seminary isn't because I want to be a priest. I want to go and find out. Either I'll go and I'll stay, or I'll go and leave. But I'll never know if I don't try.
I hate dealing with the pressure of finishing my degree and getting married and living "in the real world." It just flat out irritates me. If you have a career, fine, good for you. If you don't, fine, good for you. But when people live to make money and hold the idea of a career over other peoples heads, as far as I'm concerned, they can screw off.
I have no interest or care about careers. It doesn't impress me. All I care about is if people do what they're passionate about and work hard at it, even if it only makes them $10 an hour.
For me, I love the church. And I want my life to revolve around serving the church in whatever way I can. And to think it irritates people that I want such things in my life. What are they afraid of?
In the end, I'm trying to finish my degree in the next 2 years, hopefully. Nobody likes doing things they hate. But I'm trying to bite the bullet and do what I've gotta do. Fortunately I was able to move back home and be in an environment I'm more comfortable in. And I don't say that as in living with my parents... because I honestly don't need to live with my parents to be comfortable. I say it with the meaning of: Living in Kent felt like a playground of sin, and now that I've removed myself from that area/situation, I feel much better.
Although I'm no longer living in Kent, I do go back for OCF, to try to be a guiding light. And I struggle to stay lit. Thankfully I have friends and clergy to keep me energized, and vice versa.
I know this post wasn't quite my normal writing, but it's a blog. I shall write what's on my heart. And who knows... maybe it normalized the feelings of someone else who's felt the same way at some point?
In the end, Lord have mercy.
Pray for me.
Thank you for reading. Just a heads up, this blog post is a little depressing... haha.
Ever feel like the world is doing everything it can do to work against your happiness? Ever feel like the things you want most are the things often left on the back-burner?
This is how I've felt nearly everyday for the past few years. Some would argue I'm depressed or something like that. For me, the issue is much deeper. I'm not depressed in the superficial sense. And I don't mean to be overly specific, but I don't like the word depressed. My sadness comes from something that this tangible world cannot fix. My sadness comes from my lack of doing what I should do and being who I should be.College hasn't been easy for me. I never wanted to go to school in the first place. Since the beginning I never felt like I fit in to the college world. It has nothing to do with the academics or the ridiculous financial debt I'd end up in. For me, college has been a spear in my side.
Often I'd find myself sitting in the darkness of my bedroom with a candle lit in my prayer corner. And all I'd do is sit there feeling like I shouldn't be where I am. For a long time, I abandoned prayer, fasting and going to church. And it hardly made things better... but didn't necessarily make things worse. Often I'd find myself being overly lazy and wasting time on things I shouldn't be. I got caught up in a lifestyle of laziness.
I never was, and never will be a party boy. I never got into drinking or smoking or partying. I never went out and still have no interest. I'm very content being alone by myself and watching tv, surfing the web or playing/listening to music. I also developed a love for cooking.
The longer college went on, the more I despised it. Sure, I see the good in college for people who want to be doctors and such. But for the average person, I simply do not see the benefit. I've heard the statistics that people with degrees make 10-20% more/ year compared to someone who doesn't. Then again, that college degree can mean over $100,000 worth of debt... debt which can take up to 30 years to pay off... obviously not in all cases. My point is, they make that 10-20% more, but it's probably to compensate for their debt. I could be wrong.
Last year I was very lazy in school and did the bare minimum to get by. But I started sinking my teeth into some Orthodox ways of living. And it wasn't easy. The more I tried to live as a better Christian, the harder it was. I'm convinced I was and still am undergoing spiritual warfare. And I'm struggling with every ounce of energy to maintain/keep my cool.It's not something that's easy to talk about because friends and family are skeptical. If I could, I'd go live at a monastery for 6 months. I'd make pilgrimage to holy sites. I'd go to seminary. Id' do all these things in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, my desire to go to seminary so soon is unwelcome by many people. And they all say the same things:::
"You're not mature enough."
"You're too cold."
"You're too young."
"You're too selfish."
Etc. etc. etc.
I don't mind hearing these things. But that's exactly the reason I want to go live at a monastery and go to seminary. I want to go to these places because I suffer from a sickness of some-sort. If I was perfect, I wouldn't attend church. If I was perfect, I wouldn't want to go to a monastery or seminary. Orthodox Christianity, the church in general was not created for perfect people. The intention of the church is to heal imperfect people. And I'm one of them. And for the record, going to seminary isn't because I want to be a priest. I want to go and find out. Either I'll go and I'll stay, or I'll go and leave. But I'll never know if I don't try.
I hate dealing with the pressure of finishing my degree and getting married and living "in the real world." It just flat out irritates me. If you have a career, fine, good for you. If you don't, fine, good for you. But when people live to make money and hold the idea of a career over other peoples heads, as far as I'm concerned, they can screw off.
I have no interest or care about careers. It doesn't impress me. All I care about is if people do what they're passionate about and work hard at it, even if it only makes them $10 an hour.
For me, I love the church. And I want my life to revolve around serving the church in whatever way I can. And to think it irritates people that I want such things in my life. What are they afraid of?
In the end, I'm trying to finish my degree in the next 2 years, hopefully. Nobody likes doing things they hate. But I'm trying to bite the bullet and do what I've gotta do. Fortunately I was able to move back home and be in an environment I'm more comfortable in. And I don't say that as in living with my parents... because I honestly don't need to live with my parents to be comfortable. I say it with the meaning of: Living in Kent felt like a playground of sin, and now that I've removed myself from that area/situation, I feel much better.Although I'm no longer living in Kent, I do go back for OCF, to try to be a guiding light. And I struggle to stay lit. Thankfully I have friends and clergy to keep me energized, and vice versa.
I know this post wasn't quite my normal writing, but it's a blog. I shall write what's on my heart. And who knows... maybe it normalized the feelings of someone else who's felt the same way at some point?
In the end, Lord have mercy.
Pray for me.
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